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Sunday, 17 March 2013

Red Dawn Remake - So awful it is good - a must watch for the crack



Cast fresh from the catwalk



What I like about Americans is that they will try lots of different things and are not afraid to make a mistake. They make great movies sometimes and then on other occasions they can do some dreadful ones too. As a Brit, it is a bit like calling the kettle black, because the UK does make some bad ones too. It’s just when the US make a bad film it seems to be on a much more elaborate scale. The consequences of this is that sometimes an awful film can become so bad, that it ends up good and entertaining in a comical way. That will get the audience and will get watched again, despite being; not too good. The first Red Dawn was like this because it seemed so far-fetched – yet everyone wanted to see it. It must have made money back in the eighties. So on this basis – fair play to the people who had the neck (balls – if American) to make the movie in the first place.

Whoever decided to do the Red Dawn remake must have had some neck too. My mind boggles at the very nerve as this person sat before the people who might fund such a film project. Only in America and all must have seen beyond the dire script and the reality to the big buck signs. Fair play again and perhaps it’s a case of he who dares wins? Therefore they deserve to make money if this movie does get watched.

It is a real zap bang wollop film – explosions and machine guns with plastic ultra-good-looking people fighting nasty guys who have invaded America – the land of the free.

This is where the fun starts. So you are looking at this movie from your sofa with a bucket of popcorn and a few cans of beer chilling out – I think that is what an average Joe in the land of the free might do. In Limy land, where I live, it was a cup of tea and a bacon sandwich with brown sauce.

It is the not too distant future and America is happy being the land of the free playing their American football with a rugby ball and generally doing rummy enjoyable things. They think their enemy of today is North Korea, but secretly it is us Brits because we drove Piers Morgan out of the UK. He went to America and started poking his nose into American things and has supposedly got the second amendment scrapped. This has dire consequences because North Korea invades unexpectedly and America is caught with her trousers down. All the everyday citizens have to defend themselves with are a few Boy Scout penknives and a whistle.

The North Koreans drop from aeroplanes in parachutes into this small town and start setting up a serious of extremely inconvenient check point road blocks. This causes havoc with traffic coming in and out of the small mid-west American town. Evidently the North Koreans are doing this all over America – blooming road blocks everywhere. To top all this, they start arresting and interning ultra-good-looking people. A few of these escape into the forested hills where they form a resistance band of ultra-good-looking Americans called Wolverines. You have to be ultra-good-looking to be in the gang though because the North Koreans only seem to be interning ultra-good-looking Americans. They get put in orange suits and taken to enclosed football grounds. The resistance fighters get to sneak down to the perimeter of the town and look out at the flood lit stadium and watch fellow ultra-good-looking Americans as the wander around the ground aimlessly in their orange all in one suit.

Meanwhile the less glamorous Americans get to go about town and pass the inconvenient North Korean road blocks. You can sense that normal Americans must not happy with this because not many of them go out. I think those that do are like the hobo type characters you often see in American shows. The North Koreans probably think they are all snappy dressers but are not ultra-good-looking so pose no threat. However, it still made me think: “Where on earth are the ordinary Americans – the sort who like to sit in front of t.v. with popcorn and a six pack. Perhaps a fat bald headed one amid the crowd.” I know they are not allowed to be in the Wolverines due to a lack of ultra-good-looking clout but they had obviously found somewhere to hide and must be doing alright.

Back in the hills among the free ultra-good-looking Americans there are arguments between two brothers. One is a marine on leave who really knows how to kick bottom (arse – for Americans) His younger and more naive brother has this idea of wanting to rescue his girlfriend. She is in the internment camp wearing an all in one orange suit. By day these prisoners are put on big yellow school buses and driven through the town’s North Korean road blocks – presumably to be put in another stadium. The next day, I presume the get driven back to the original one. Well perhaps one is a football stadium and the other is for baseball. The North Koreans cunningly make use of both. The Big brother really fancies having a go at the road blocks because he has noticed the North Koreans seem to be really big on these check points but are not too keen on the surrounding wooded hills or the multi-story blocks along the streets overlooking these dynamic road blocks. They (North Koreans) are not exactly aggressively patrolling the areas looking for the ultra-good-looking Americans. This is a flaw in the plan that no ultra-good-looking wolverine is going to waste. There is a bit of disagreement between both brothers because the younger one wants to go for the compound and rescue his girlfriend with other ultra-good-looking American prisoners. They would make ideal wolverine recruits and then they could have a go at the road blocks. However, big brother is in charge so they attack the road block, check points first – killing nasty North Koreans like it was open season on Reds and helping themselves to commie tech weaponry that is inferior to the assault rifles and stuff they might have had if that bloody Piers Morgan had kept his Limy trap shut.

These attacks are cunningly executed as the wolverines go into the derelict multi story blocks with a tantalising choice of overlooking views of the North Korean check points. Others (wolverines) put their hoods up and wear scruffy hats and mingle with the dreary hobos that pass through the road blocks. Secretly I think the film director got them as a job lot from the set of Walking Dead, but hey - it works. When the action starts the nasty North Koreans are getting blown and shot all over the place. The mingling ultra-good-looking Americans pull down their hoods to revile fine chiselled features and dynamite white teeth that a limy like me can only dream of. They all sport that ‘Hey grab a load of me look.’ and the enemy are caught off guard which was their own stupid fault. The North Koreans plan a master stroke by allowing their bamboo republic to trick the foremost super power the world has ever known; then all they can do is loiter about at check points. What a blooming waste!

I enjoyed watching the Red bastards blown here there and everywhere – serves them right for marginalising ultra-good-looking people who know how to bite back and wear sporting, eye-catching, vogue, guerrilla warfare clobber at the same time. Don’t cross swords with the wolverines. (Don’t f~*k with the wolverines. If American)

During one of these battles; little brother of the ultra-good-looking wolverines, goes ape shit (Angry. If American) He sees the yellow school bus and attacks that instead of the check point. He needs a bit of variety and his drop dead gorgeous girlfriend is on board in her orange jump suit. You guessed it; they are they ultra- good-looking prisoners who got tangoed when they North Koreans first invaded. Young Bruv shoots up the driver and guard gets on board the yellow school bus and rescues his outrageously gorgeous bird (Girlfriend if American) As this mayhem goes on, they escape into the surrounding derelict buildings that the North Koreans neglect to occupy for some reason. They end up in a fashion shop run by a fat black lady who can’t be a wolverine on account of not being good looking enough. With a lack of good looking people her business has obviously plummeted because her trendy shop has no customers. You can tell she is so pleased to see them because the lady tells boy and girlfriend to take any flash clobber (trendy clothes if American) they want. Cunningly disguised they escape the North Koreans who are running about like headless chickens getting shot and blown up. Our two ultra-good-looking people tuck their chins down hiding their dynamic looks and walk past the confused enemy.

Two more wolverines escape into a Subway fast food place and it was in here that I finally realised where all the ordinary everyday Americans really were. The place was blooming packed with dinners – every table taken. You can’t blame them; outside seems very messy with loads of commotion between North Koreans and ultra-good-looking Americans. Who the bleeding hell needs all that crap when you can still feed your face with a subway sandwich. The fast food outlets are still going and it’s all a load of fuss over a few check point, road blocks really. I think the ultra-good-looking Americans have a point though – the North Koreans should f~#k off home and set up road block, check points in their own country. They don't have a clue how to police or fight ultra-good-looking Americans. The North Korean top dog wants his men to get out and at them and is blaming the chief prefect for incompetence. While all the feeble prefect can say is: "We need better Checkpoint Sir." These bad guys don't know if they want to go to the toilet or get a hair cut.


In short, a great over the top, outrageously entertaining bad movie, you must watch if you can chill and switch the brain into neutral for an hour and half. If you are one of these trendy left wingers and are bit up your own arse with delusions of dignity and intellect then don’t watch. Go to a cheese and wine party and talk atomic physics with the veggie squad. This movie does not promise the world. It never did, so watch and enjoy – even take the piss if you have a mind too. I would watch it again when it comes to TV – just for the crack. ( Crack = Laugh if American)





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